The Preacher Said..

"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take
it and throw it into the river."

The congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take
it and throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world,
I'd take it all and throw it in the river."

Again the congregation cried, "Amen!"

The Preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said: 'For our closing
hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and
sing:

'We shall drink from that River'

The congregation screamed "HALLELUYAAAAAA!!!"

HAPPY FEAST DAY SAINT ANTHONY!!!!

from all earth-people X3

Religious Husband

A husband comes home from church;
He greets his wife and lifts her up.
He then carried her around the house.

The wife was so surprised and she asked 'did the bishop preach about being
romantic'?

The husband said, 'no,
He said we must carry our burdens and sorrows'.

Testing Children

never put kids to the test too! XD
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I was testing the children in my Sunday school class
to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,
and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy
to all the children, and loved my husband,
would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Legislators Compared to Dogs!

Here's a side of Arnie you never saw or knew existed!...

He is saying nothing unfamiliar to what Singaporeans already know or are experiencing now, concerning 'rainy-day funds'. Only this time he is saying it minus his Terminator alter-ego, which would have endorsed the idea with a double-barrelled shotgun and a Hasta la vista!

not quite there yet..

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said,
'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

The Law of the Garbage Truck

I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!'

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.